Marriage Can Make You Grumpy

I often say that marriage doesn't bring out the best in us. It brings out the worst in us. We say things to our spouses that we would never say to someone we were mad at in a work environment. We tend to remove our filters with people we are close to. Having hostility and tension in a marital relationship can make you grumpy and create an environment that is less than healthy for all involved. How you manage yourself in a marriage is up to you. So instead of reaching for the Tums, take the initiative and learn how to improve the situation.

Marital stress can cause any of the following:

• Stomach upsets
• Severe headaches
• Anxiety attacks
• Sleep disturbance
• Overeating and/or under eating
• Back aches
• Teeth clenching
• Poor relationships with others

One of our therapists, Patti Allard, LMFT, LPC, is also a Registered Nurse. She believes that physical ailments can be warning signs that you need to work on your marital coping skills. According to Patti, "People usually have physical signs of stress that they often ignore. They think it is something they ate, or too much caffeine before going to bed. It's easier to think that the physical ailments are not related to marital stress." Of course it's important to have a physical exam conducted by your family physician to rule out other physical reasons for these symptoms as you work to eliminate them. Once physical reasons for the symptoms are ruled out, recognizing that marital stress is causing the problem means you have to deal with it.

Patti offers the following suggestions for couples who need to deal with marital tension:

1. Learn to self soothe when tension is present. Many people think it is the other spouse's responsibility to make them feel better. In fact, it is important to be able to calm yourself down rather than needing your spouse to "do something" to make you feel better. Make yourself feel better and have a conversation with yourself to keep your cool.


2. Focus on "repair attempts" rather than "resolving issues." Some issues are not resolvable. Let's face it. But agreeing to disagree just may not cut it. Work to "maintain a level of satisfaction despite your difference" to build a better marriage. Don't sacrifice your relationship in the name of being right or getting the last word. Click here to see my frequently requested handout on this subject.
   
3. Maintain healthy behaviors even when life is stressful. Try and get at least 30 minutes of sustained exercise a day and eat healthy foods. Treating your body well will go a long way in helping you manage the stress of marital difficulties. Consider exercise and healthy foods a prescription for feeling better.

It's important to take responsibility for creating a tense environment when marriage makes you grumpy. We all have the opportunity to decrease tension by building an environment that reinforces optimism and happiness. While many couples can do this on their own, some may have difficulty without the help of a professional. Typically, people wait an average of 6 years after their marriage gets tough before they seek help. Confront the problems sooner and become an active participant in helping your marriage bring out the best in you.

Do Ask and Do Tell by Susan Fletcher, Ph.D.

Life gets busy for each of us. Time goes by. Then we get some kind of news that stops us in our tracks and reminds us how precious life is.

Two weeks ago I got some very sad news from my friend Don from high school. Don emailed me to tell me that our high school friend, Eric (pictured left), had been found dead in New York the day before.

Don began his email like this: "I don't know if you have seen this yet. Not sure there is a good way to tell you. I stumbled across this while surfing the web this morning."

Eric Wishnie was an Emmy award winning television news producer. Click here to see NBC Nightly News coverage. Very accomplished, very charming, and unforgettable. He was in the group Don and I hung around with in high school. We talked infrequently in the past 25 years and reconnected about two years ago and communicated by email. He talked to me about his marriage, his dog, what he loved about his job, and how he kept in touch with few people from home. I teased him for being designated as a distinguished alumni from the University of Florida. He sent me the article with his picture. The same picture I saw as I read about his death.

I hadn't heard from Eric in the last 6 months. I didn't know the trouble he was in. I didn't ask and he didn't tell.

For this month's eNewsletter, we had an article prepared about depression. Somehow, after learning more about Eric's death, the article wasn't enough to do the job of educating people about what to look for in people they care about. Instead, read an article about my friend Eric (click here) and look for the signs in people you care about. Do ask and do tell.

For more information about depression, please read the original article entitled "Depression is Treatable" that was planned for this month. You can also learn more about substance abuse and depression through HealthyPlace.com.

And Don, thanks for sending me the email.

Depression is Treatable by Patti Allard, LPC, LMFT

Everyone feels “down in the dumps” or “blue” sometimes. Feeling sad is a normal part of life. But when sadness interferes with everyday functioning, we are talking about a more serious and fairly common problem of depression. Depression impacts normal life functioning for a person and their family and serious depression can destroy many relationships at work, in a marriage, and with family and friends. It is estimated that 9.5% or 20.9 million American adults suffer from depressive illness. People are often afraid to admit that they have a serious problem but much of the suffering associated with depression is unnecessary.

Do these symptoms sound familiar?

• Persistent sad, anxious, or "empty" mood
• Feelings of hopelessness, pessimism
• Feelings of guilt, worthlessness, helplessness
• Loss of interest or pleasure in hobbies and activities that were once enjoyed, including sex
• Decreased energy, fatigue, being "slowed down"
• Difficulty concentrating, remembering, making decisions
• Insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping
• Appetite and/or weight loss or overeating and weight gain
• Thoughts of death or suicide; suicide attempts
• Restlessness, irritability
• Persistent physical symptoms that do not respond to treatment, such as headaches, digestive disorders, and chronic pain.

If any of these behaviors are occurring in your life, then you may be dealing with depression. However, there is good news! The symptoms of depression are treatable and can be managed through expert therapy and medications. Unfortunately, many people do not recognize that depression is treatable and go without help for too long. Undiagnosed depression can be life altering and life threatening. Finding a therapist who is able to treat depression and help a person get out of the “fog” that being depressed can create is an important step to getting the assistance needed and could save a life.

Depression impacts mind, body and spirit. It affects eating, sleeping and feelings of self worth. Remember, depression is not a sign of weakness or a condition that can be willed or wished away. People with depression cannot simply "snap out of it" and get better. A depressed person needs support, gentle guidance and a listening ear. Friends and family members can help a depressed person by helping them get into treatment and find a therapist who will work in collaboration with the person dealing with depression, their family as well as a physician to create a helpful and workable plan.

Nowadays, depression and its effects on an individual’s well-being is clearly understood. However, the creation of a partnership with a therapist who is knowledgeable and experienced with this illness is essential to achieve the best outcome.