What To Do When You Have a Secret

Have you ever been afraid you might get in trouble at work for reporting something bad that you are told to keep secret? A horrible secret was revealed last week with Joe Paterno and Penn State. Secrets also come out during presidential campaigns and in some companies when someone leaves the company. As a psychologist I hear secrets and private information all the time. Many times when I'm told a secret, it's the first time that person has revealed it to anyone. 

There are many secrets that can be serious and harmful. No one should take this subject lightly. Harmful secrets like those about abuse, addiction, neglect and dishonesty define people and their outlook on the world.

Use these Smart Moves when you have a secret and you will Stay in the Smart Zone:

• Secrets can bring happiness.  Think of a surprise party your friends are planning or a gift someone is about to receive. My friend Julie gave her 14 year old daughter a surprise party this past weekend but someone spoiled it and her daughter found out (Darn!).  Maybe a friend is expecting a baby and waiting for the right moment to tell the news.  Most people will agree, these are secrets you should keep. 
• Secrets give you perceived power over someone else. "I know something you don't know - nana nana boo boo." This may sound like elementary school but you and I know that grown-ups do this, too. Think about it. Even at work knowing secrets can give you an edge over your coworkers or competitors. This type of power can be dangerous and even illegal. Proceed with caution. 
• Secrets give you Brownie points. Telling secrets can elevate your status with friends and coworkers. Think about how you feel when someone reveals a secret to you. Letting others in on your secret gives them a stronger connection with you and vise versa. It can sometimes build trust but it can also build suspicion. Me, I tend to err on the side of caution. Brownie points sometimes are really not worth it. 
• Secrets can cause anxiety. Keeping a secret often prevents people from dealing with the problem at hand and creates more stress. Revealing secrets is very helpful when it is done in a safe, non-judgmental environment. It helps people let go of an issue and think about it more clearly.
• Confidence in your confidant. We tell secrets because we trust others not to reveal them. Remember Deep Throat in the Watergate scandal? In reality, people are pretty likely to tell your secret - even if it's just to their spouse or best friend. It's human nature. Have confidence in the person you confide in. 
• Know the Smart Zone Secret. If you have attended my presentations you know I always end with the Smart Zone Secret which is to take the focus off yourself. Now that is a secret worth telling!

Secrets can be harmful and can abuse power. Secrets can sometimes make a person feel special. Err on the side of caution and learn from others' mistakes. I like the kind of secrets that make a person feel special because many times that gesture is returned. Now that is a great way to Live Smart by Living in the Smart Zone.

5 Ways to be More Productive in the Smart Zone

A few weeks ago I ran the first 5K I've run in a long time. Many of you know I trained triathletes in my undergraduate school years and used to be quite the "Work Out Queen." But now I'm more of the "At Work Queen" and my running days have been shortened to fast gym workouts and early morning dog walk jogs.


Sam at 5K Run

I ran the race with my youngest son Sam and my oldest Alex. I actually had to stop running and walk part of the race. I was really disappointed when I had to stop and walk. But after walking a few minutes and catching my breath I was able to start back up and finish the race running strong.

This is such a metaphor to how a day can be. It starts off productive and then something happens to break your stride and your productivity all goes to "Hell in a handbasket," as my oh so sweet grandmother, Ga Ga, used to say. Just because you get derailed in the middle of the day doesn't mean you can't course-correct.

People in the Smart Zone use their emotional intelligence to get back on track. Know your weak spots for when you are about to get derailed so that you finish your day running strong. Use these 5 Smart Moves to get more done this week:

1. Sleep in your work-out clothes. It's so difficult to get out of a warm bed for morning exercise but a morning walk or jog will help you feel better the rest of the day. Eliminate the step that keeps many of us from getting out of bed by sleeping in your work-out clothes. Keep your shoes, your water bottle, and your keys by the front door for an added time saver.
2. Clean off that desk. When I'm having trouble concentrating or getting things done it often helps to focus on a single mindless task. Your brain doesn't have to work so hard and you'll feel a relaxation response in the rest of your body. Plus, having a clear work space means you actually accomplish one thing that day! 
3. Don't try to make use of the time you save. Managing your time is really about managing your energy and attention. Resist the urge to cram in more "stuff" when you've found a way to save time. Instead use the extra time do something creative, read or just sit (it really is okay to just sit!).
4. Stop obsessively checking your emails and text messages. Guilty! With 3 kids in 3 different schools and 2 businesses to run, I can get caught up in checking on everything. If you've read any books on productivity then you know that checking email at prescheduled times each day will help you get more done by not getting bogged down.
5. Sit up straight and open the blinds. Be mindful of your posture and the light in the room. Bad posture causes your body to work harder to oxygenate your blood which makes you feel tired. Poor lighting causes you to strain and causes "tired eyes."

I'm so glad that Sam, Alex and I participated in the 5K together. They enjoyed it and so did I. We plan to do more. So much more works out the way you want it to when you work in the Smart Zone.

By the way, I reveal how I "do it all" in this Leadership Plano Alumni article. You'll also learn my nickname!

I've also listed a few more Smart Moves in this article on how to manage your emotions under pressure in the Fall issue of the Texas Credit Union League's LoneStar Perspectives magazine.

How to be a Smart Zone Guy in Relationships

I was speaking at a conference in Atlantic City recently and during the banter of my presentation (okay, sometimes we get off topic), I gave a tip about Valentine's Day for men. Apparently that tip proved valuable since I've gotten a few emails telling me that what I had to say made sense. I'll take that compliment.

In my presentation I was talking about "forethought" and "intention" and how important it is in work relationships. People you manage and your coworkers don't always remember what you say but they ALWAYS remember how you make them feel.
 

I used a more personal example to make the point and it seems I gave advice that was better than that of Dr. Phil (yikes!). I told the audience, made up mostly of men, that flowers on Valentine's Day mean less if a man goes on the day, to the tent, in the parking lot of their local grocery store, and buys flowers for his sweetheart - sometimes not even having to get out of his car. It is not the flowers that count. It is the forethought and intention in giving the flowers that will lead to sweetening the relationship with a sweetheart.

Valentine's Day is on a Tuesday in 2012. That means that a man has the opportunity to order flowers to be delivered on Monday morning, February 13, for his sweetie if she's in an office. That way, when they are delivered, she is envied by all when she gets flowers EARLY so she can enjoy them all week long. It shows forethought and intention that someone had to think ahead and realize that an early delivery is better for making someone feel special just like a new kid bringing cupcakes to school the first day.

Deviating from my usual business advice, here are tips for men on how to be a "True Smart Zone Guy" in relationships (you can thank me later ladies):

1. Make sure you look at her when she talks to you. Do you believe some people need to be reminded? This is a good reminder for men and for women at work and at home. That means keep the iPhone, Blackberry or Android in your pocket and resist the temptation to check it multiple times during your conversations.
2. If you are good at being nice to everyone, then the woman you are with will need to know that her relationship with you is different from the rest. I've had couples dating and married couples talk about needing to have their partner bump it up a notch in their primary relationship. This isn't usually about jealousy or insecurity. It's about continuing to differentiate your main relationship with relationship dynamics that create a "we'ness" with behaviors and not just words. Consider for yourself how this can be beneficial in your work environment with your business partners, clients, and members of your team.
3. For some men, texting and emailing are good enough for communication. Oh no. Say it isn't so. The spoken word or even a handwritten note still carries a punch when it comes to making a valuable deposit in a relationship.
4. Make sure you introduce your girlfriend or wife (you better not have both or there will be much bigger problems) to people by her first name, rather than just her title of "wife" or "girlfriend". Men don't overlook this on purpose. They tell me that many times it doesn't occur to them and they don't mean it as an insult. It is just an oversight. Well - the way you prevent oversights (which my friend Amber and I think are poor excuses) is you get intentional and "engaged" in your relationships - both personal and in business. Find out if your relationship could be heading for destruction.
5. Even though you might be a good problem solver, not all problems need to be solved. Sometimes women talk about a dilemma or a challenge and all they want is to get it out so they can solve it, not to have it solved by someone else. Acting in the role of problem solver in a relationship, ultimately can make a man seem controlling or unemotional. Most men that I meet are not controlling and are pretty good at emotions. But, over time, when men take on this role of problem solver, they shape their image in a way that sometimes is at the expense of a woman being able to have room for her own successes and mistakes.

I know the men at the conference in Atlantic City last week understand these points and are already fully functioning in their relationships. The banter during my presentation brought to light ways that a man can not only be Mr. Nice Guy, but also he can be a Hero by using forethought and intention. Valentine's Day isn't for four months but it is worth thinking about now...and isn't that the ultimate in forethought and intention guys? More importantly, it will help keep your relationship functioning in the Smart Zone.

What Rude People Won't Tell You

When someone is rude to me I sometimes wonder what I've done to provoke the rude behavior. Then I think, "Why am I feeling bad? THEY were rude to ME - and not vice-versa."

Last week I experienced rudeness from a radio host who invited to be interviewed on his show. The show found me because they saw me on FOX 4 Nightly News discussing the recent "SpongeBob SquarePants " research study. By the way, I want to clarify that everyone at FOX 4 is wonderful and is always extremely respectful and great to work with! If you missed the FOX 4 segment, here's the footage:




The radio personality (a nationally known talk radio host that I won't reveal - but if you are on my Facebook page you saw me mention him) was planning to discuss the study on his show and learned that I had appeared on TV discussing it. He invited me for a radio interview and then proceeded to ask me questions and mute my responses. He was rude throughout the interview both on and off the air.

At first I thought I may have been partially responsible. Later I found out he was trying to get a whole different message across using his own children on the air. Then I learned that his staff of 15 has been reduced to 3, which is why I was provided with so little information ahead of time.

It seems like it might be "in" to be rude. Reality TV is full of rude people and people find it entertaining. (Oh, but I do love Survivor!). And some TV sit-coms use funny/rude humor. In reality, being rude means you lack emotional intelligence in the areas of self-awareness and empathy.

Here's what rude people are really telling you:

• I have a problem that I don't know how to solve. To deal with a rude person, acknowledging his/her problem or point of view is sometimes all that needs to be done. Whether or not you solve the problem, just showing concern and making a goodwill effort to make things better does some good emotionally.
• I'm not confident in my abilities. This is what we see in bullies. People with high self-awareness are naturally confident. They exude charisma, are likeable and often inspire confidence in those around them. On the flip side, extreme lack of self-confidence can show up as arrogance and rudeness. 
• I'm depressed. When a person is clinically depressed they have an intense inner focus that can cause them to appear selfish. When you see someone being rude because they've "had a bad day" or are "really tired" you may be seeing depression. Depressed people are so focused on how they feel that they are unaware of how their emotions affect others. Watch for warning signs of suicide.
• I've disengaged from people. It's easier to be rude in an email or on Facebook than face-to-face. When people are rude to you in these mediums hold them accountable for their actions by communicating with them on a higher level. For example, if you receive a rude email pick up the phone and call the person. I just had a patient today tell me how her recently divorced daughter found out that the ex-husband posted atrocious, untrue stuff about her on his Facebook page. Yikes. Some people don't mind being so rude in such a public arena. I say: "DEFRIEND IMMEDIATELY". It's true, Facebook can make you sick.
• I'm uninformed. Talking loudly on your cell phone around others, strong cologne, disturbing someone who is concentrating at work, and allowing your children to continually misbehave in public are all ways people show rudeness. Many times people are unaware of how their actions are perceived and, quite frankly, they don't know better. When you know better, you do better.

Stay in the Smart Zone by taking the focus off yourself. Acknowledge rude behavior for what the rude person isn't telling you.

Suicide: Warning Signs & How to be Helpful

A suicide is horrible for everyone.  When we lose a youth to suicide it can be even harder to cope with. When I heard about the recent suicide of Jamey Rodemeyer it brought to mind how it can be difficult to identify warning signs of suicide.  Here are a few warning signs:

1. Threatening to hurt or kill him/herself, or talking of wanting to hurt or kill him/herself.
2. Looking for ways to kill him/herself.
3. Talking or writing about death, dying or suicide, when these actions are out of the ordinary for the person.
4. Increased substance use (alcohol and/or drugs).
5. No reason for living; no sense of purpose in life.
6. Anxiety, agitation, unable to sleep or sleeping all the time.
7. Feeling trapped – like there is no way out.
8. Hopelessness.
9. Withdrawing from family, friends, and society.
10. Rage, uncontrolled anger, seeking revenge.
11. Acting reckless or engaging in risky activities,seemingly without thinking.
12. Dramatic mood changes.

On my website I have a suicide article that discusses the facts and how to be helpful.

Watch to see if your child is participating in online forums like formspring.com that allow kids to make comments anonymously.  I was interviewed on FOX 4 News about this website.  Watch the segment here.



Also, if you'd like a few tips about how to bullyproof your children here is another FOX 4 segment on the topic.

Watching SpongeBob SquarePants Doesn't Mean You Aren't in the Smart Zone

"Fast-paced, fantastical television shows such as 'SpongeBob SquarePants' may harm children's ability to pay attention, solve problems and moderate behavior, according to a US study published Monday," was what prompted FOX 4 to invite me to their station last night to comment on the study.  Click here for the full study on LiveScience.com.

Personally, I'm more concerned with the content of TV programming versus the pace of the screen changes.  But I do believe that good sleep hygiene dictates that fast-paced TV programs or even video games shouldn't be watched/played at bedtime because the brain then has a hard time resting.  Here's the video of what I had to say about it last night on FOX 4.



I'd even make the argument that TV isn't good for kids to watch at bedtime regardless of the program.

Do You Remember What You Were Doing on September 11, 2001?

I remember what I was doing on September 11, 2001 and I bet you do, too.

I was getting my kids ready for school. They were still pretty young so only one was in elementary school. I remember being glued to the TV and feeling incredible fear about what would happen next. I stayed home that day and held my kids tighter than normal. My neighbor was at her daughter's dance class after school and a man got angry at her over a parking spot. He chewed her out and later keyed her car. The world seemed unsafe, unpredictable, and angry. It was an unsettling feeling.

Just like my parents used to tell me the story of where they were when Kennedy was assassinated, the story of where I was on 9/11 is one I will tell my children. Retelling the story is a coping mechanism that enables us to be more resilient.

Staying in the Smart Zone is NOT about the crisis you are facing, it's about how you think and respond to the crisis.



People in the Smart Zone are resilient. Resiliency is the ability to bounce back, to get up after you're knocked down, and to improve yourself after a tragic incident. Let September 11, 2011 give you a sense of renewal and resiliency in your personal and professional life using these Smart Moves:

• Reframing. This is the process of shifting from the cup half empty to the cup half full. Some call it serendipity. We have all had bad experiences in our life. When something goes wrong look carefully at your reaction, learn from the experience and do things differently the next time.
• Make Work a Calling. In his book, The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People, David Niven, Ph.D. says "If you see your work as only a job, then it's dragging you away from what you really want to be doing. If you see it as a calling, then it is no longer a toiling sacrifice. Instead, it becomes an expression, a part of you." What can you do to find meaning in your work? How can it become an expression of who you are?
• Be a Little Organized. A recent study showed that people who claim to have "very neat" desks reported spending 36% more time looking for things than people claiming to have "fairly messy" desks. This implies that there is a productivity cost to neatness. While it isn't realistic for everything in your life to be completely organized, it is imperative that you develop structured approaches to manage the unknown. Be focused on your life goals to head off potential barriers.
• "Expect Things to Work Out Well," says resiliency expert Al Siebert, Ph.D. Worrying about failing increases the likelihood of failure. For example, a salesman who is so concerned about his falling sales that he can't bring himself to pick up the phone guarantees that his sales will fall even further. When optimists interpret events, 8 out of 10 times they see the positive aspects. Last week a reporter interviewed me about my "Meredith experience" on my first day working for Dr. Phil and how I expected things to work out well.
• Express the Right Emotions Openly. The shift in our culture to becoming more compassionate can be tricky at work. Since 9/11 I think we all feel more compassionate and are able to share emotions more outwardly. Click here to read what this reporter has to say about crying at work. Keep in mind the same emotion that causes crying can also cause yelling. Sometimes it takes more courage to cry than to yell. If you tend to be a "yeller" watch my video on how to handle anger instead of hiding from it.

Just for fun take this Resiliency Quiz to find out how resilient you are.

If you let a crisis define you, then it will be in control of you and affect almost everything you have in your life. If you manage the crisis and don't let it define you then you will have an opportunity to grow because of it. A crisis is a terrible thing to waste.