How to be a Smart Zone Guy in Relationships

I was speaking at a conference in Atlantic City recently and during the banter of my presentation (okay, sometimes we get off topic), I gave a tip about Valentine's Day for men. Apparently that tip proved valuable since I've gotten a few emails telling me that what I had to say made sense. I'll take that compliment.

In my presentation I was talking about "forethought" and "intention" and how important it is in work relationships. People you manage and your coworkers don't always remember what you say but they ALWAYS remember how you make them feel.
 

I used a more personal example to make the point and it seems I gave advice that was better than that of Dr. Phil (yikes!). I told the audience, made up mostly of men, that flowers on Valentine's Day mean less if a man goes on the day, to the tent, in the parking lot of their local grocery store, and buys flowers for his sweetheart - sometimes not even having to get out of his car. It is not the flowers that count. It is the forethought and intention in giving the flowers that will lead to sweetening the relationship with a sweetheart.

Valentine's Day is on a Tuesday in 2012. That means that a man has the opportunity to order flowers to be delivered on Monday morning, February 13, for his sweetie if she's in an office. That way, when they are delivered, she is envied by all when she gets flowers EARLY so she can enjoy them all week long. It shows forethought and intention that someone had to think ahead and realize that an early delivery is better for making someone feel special just like a new kid bringing cupcakes to school the first day.

Deviating from my usual business advice, here are tips for men on how to be a "True Smart Zone Guy" in relationships (you can thank me later ladies):

1. Make sure you look at her when she talks to you. Do you believe some people need to be reminded? This is a good reminder for men and for women at work and at home. That means keep the iPhone, Blackberry or Android in your pocket and resist the temptation to check it multiple times during your conversations.
2. If you are good at being nice to everyone, then the woman you are with will need to know that her relationship with you is different from the rest. I've had couples dating and married couples talk about needing to have their partner bump it up a notch in their primary relationship. This isn't usually about jealousy or insecurity. It's about continuing to differentiate your main relationship with relationship dynamics that create a "we'ness" with behaviors and not just words. Consider for yourself how this can be beneficial in your work environment with your business partners, clients, and members of your team.
3. For some men, texting and emailing are good enough for communication. Oh no. Say it isn't so. The spoken word or even a handwritten note still carries a punch when it comes to making a valuable deposit in a relationship.
4. Make sure you introduce your girlfriend or wife (you better not have both or there will be much bigger problems) to people by her first name, rather than just her title of "wife" or "girlfriend". Men don't overlook this on purpose. They tell me that many times it doesn't occur to them and they don't mean it as an insult. It is just an oversight. Well - the way you prevent oversights (which my friend Amber and I think are poor excuses) is you get intentional and "engaged" in your relationships - both personal and in business. Find out if your relationship could be heading for destruction.
5. Even though you might be a good problem solver, not all problems need to be solved. Sometimes women talk about a dilemma or a challenge and all they want is to get it out so they can solve it, not to have it solved by someone else. Acting in the role of problem solver in a relationship, ultimately can make a man seem controlling or unemotional. Most men that I meet are not controlling and are pretty good at emotions. But, over time, when men take on this role of problem solver, they shape their image in a way that sometimes is at the expense of a woman being able to have room for her own successes and mistakes.

I know the men at the conference in Atlantic City last week understand these points and are already fully functioning in their relationships. The banter during my presentation brought to light ways that a man can not only be Mr. Nice Guy, but also he can be a Hero by using forethought and intention. Valentine's Day isn't for four months but it is worth thinking about now...and isn't that the ultimate in forethought and intention guys? More importantly, it will help keep your relationship functioning in the Smart Zone.

What Rude People Won't Tell You

When someone is rude to me I sometimes wonder what I've done to provoke the rude behavior. Then I think, "Why am I feeling bad? THEY were rude to ME - and not vice-versa."

Last week I experienced rudeness from a radio host who invited to be interviewed on his show. The show found me because they saw me on FOX 4 Nightly News discussing the recent "SpongeBob SquarePants " research study. By the way, I want to clarify that everyone at FOX 4 is wonderful and is always extremely respectful and great to work with! If you missed the FOX 4 segment, here's the footage:




The radio personality (a nationally known talk radio host that I won't reveal - but if you are on my Facebook page you saw me mention him) was planning to discuss the study on his show and learned that I had appeared on TV discussing it. He invited me for a radio interview and then proceeded to ask me questions and mute my responses. He was rude throughout the interview both on and off the air.

At first I thought I may have been partially responsible. Later I found out he was trying to get a whole different message across using his own children on the air. Then I learned that his staff of 15 has been reduced to 3, which is why I was provided with so little information ahead of time.

It seems like it might be "in" to be rude. Reality TV is full of rude people and people find it entertaining. (Oh, but I do love Survivor!). And some TV sit-coms use funny/rude humor. In reality, being rude means you lack emotional intelligence in the areas of self-awareness and empathy.

Here's what rude people are really telling you:

• I have a problem that I don't know how to solve. To deal with a rude person, acknowledging his/her problem or point of view is sometimes all that needs to be done. Whether or not you solve the problem, just showing concern and making a goodwill effort to make things better does some good emotionally.
• I'm not confident in my abilities. This is what we see in bullies. People with high self-awareness are naturally confident. They exude charisma, are likeable and often inspire confidence in those around them. On the flip side, extreme lack of self-confidence can show up as arrogance and rudeness. 
• I'm depressed. When a person is clinically depressed they have an intense inner focus that can cause them to appear selfish. When you see someone being rude because they've "had a bad day" or are "really tired" you may be seeing depression. Depressed people are so focused on how they feel that they are unaware of how their emotions affect others. Watch for warning signs of suicide.
• I've disengaged from people. It's easier to be rude in an email or on Facebook than face-to-face. When people are rude to you in these mediums hold them accountable for their actions by communicating with them on a higher level. For example, if you receive a rude email pick up the phone and call the person. I just had a patient today tell me how her recently divorced daughter found out that the ex-husband posted atrocious, untrue stuff about her on his Facebook page. Yikes. Some people don't mind being so rude in such a public arena. I say: "DEFRIEND IMMEDIATELY". It's true, Facebook can make you sick.
• I'm uninformed. Talking loudly on your cell phone around others, strong cologne, disturbing someone who is concentrating at work, and allowing your children to continually misbehave in public are all ways people show rudeness. Many times people are unaware of how their actions are perceived and, quite frankly, they don't know better. When you know better, you do better.

Stay in the Smart Zone by taking the focus off yourself. Acknowledge rude behavior for what the rude person isn't telling you.

Suicide: Warning Signs & How to be Helpful

A suicide is horrible for everyone.  When we lose a youth to suicide it can be even harder to cope with. When I heard about the recent suicide of Jamey Rodemeyer it brought to mind how it can be difficult to identify warning signs of suicide.  Here are a few warning signs:

1. Threatening to hurt or kill him/herself, or talking of wanting to hurt or kill him/herself.
2. Looking for ways to kill him/herself.
3. Talking or writing about death, dying or suicide, when these actions are out of the ordinary for the person.
4. Increased substance use (alcohol and/or drugs).
5. No reason for living; no sense of purpose in life.
6. Anxiety, agitation, unable to sleep or sleeping all the time.
7. Feeling trapped – like there is no way out.
8. Hopelessness.
9. Withdrawing from family, friends, and society.
10. Rage, uncontrolled anger, seeking revenge.
11. Acting reckless or engaging in risky activities,seemingly without thinking.
12. Dramatic mood changes.

On my website I have a suicide article that discusses the facts and how to be helpful.

Watch to see if your child is participating in online forums like formspring.com that allow kids to make comments anonymously.  I was interviewed on FOX 4 News about this website.  Watch the segment here.



Also, if you'd like a few tips about how to bullyproof your children here is another FOX 4 segment on the topic.

Watching SpongeBob SquarePants Doesn't Mean You Aren't in the Smart Zone

"Fast-paced, fantastical television shows such as 'SpongeBob SquarePants' may harm children's ability to pay attention, solve problems and moderate behavior, according to a US study published Monday," was what prompted FOX 4 to invite me to their station last night to comment on the study.  Click here for the full study on LiveScience.com.

Personally, I'm more concerned with the content of TV programming versus the pace of the screen changes.  But I do believe that good sleep hygiene dictates that fast-paced TV programs or even video games shouldn't be watched/played at bedtime because the brain then has a hard time resting.  Here's the video of what I had to say about it last night on FOX 4.



I'd even make the argument that TV isn't good for kids to watch at bedtime regardless of the program.

Do You Remember What You Were Doing on September 11, 2001?

I remember what I was doing on September 11, 2001 and I bet you do, too.

I was getting my kids ready for school. They were still pretty young so only one was in elementary school. I remember being glued to the TV and feeling incredible fear about what would happen next. I stayed home that day and held my kids tighter than normal. My neighbor was at her daughter's dance class after school and a man got angry at her over a parking spot. He chewed her out and later keyed her car. The world seemed unsafe, unpredictable, and angry. It was an unsettling feeling.

Just like my parents used to tell me the story of where they were when Kennedy was assassinated, the story of where I was on 9/11 is one I will tell my children. Retelling the story is a coping mechanism that enables us to be more resilient.

Staying in the Smart Zone is NOT about the crisis you are facing, it's about how you think and respond to the crisis.



People in the Smart Zone are resilient. Resiliency is the ability to bounce back, to get up after you're knocked down, and to improve yourself after a tragic incident. Let September 11, 2011 give you a sense of renewal and resiliency in your personal and professional life using these Smart Moves:

• Reframing. This is the process of shifting from the cup half empty to the cup half full. Some call it serendipity. We have all had bad experiences in our life. When something goes wrong look carefully at your reaction, learn from the experience and do things differently the next time.
• Make Work a Calling. In his book, The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy People, David Niven, Ph.D. says "If you see your work as only a job, then it's dragging you away from what you really want to be doing. If you see it as a calling, then it is no longer a toiling sacrifice. Instead, it becomes an expression, a part of you." What can you do to find meaning in your work? How can it become an expression of who you are?
• Be a Little Organized. A recent study showed that people who claim to have "very neat" desks reported spending 36% more time looking for things than people claiming to have "fairly messy" desks. This implies that there is a productivity cost to neatness. While it isn't realistic for everything in your life to be completely organized, it is imperative that you develop structured approaches to manage the unknown. Be focused on your life goals to head off potential barriers.
• "Expect Things to Work Out Well," says resiliency expert Al Siebert, Ph.D. Worrying about failing increases the likelihood of failure. For example, a salesman who is so concerned about his falling sales that he can't bring himself to pick up the phone guarantees that his sales will fall even further. When optimists interpret events, 8 out of 10 times they see the positive aspects. Last week a reporter interviewed me about my "Meredith experience" on my first day working for Dr. Phil and how I expected things to work out well.
• Express the Right Emotions Openly. The shift in our culture to becoming more compassionate can be tricky at work. Since 9/11 I think we all feel more compassionate and are able to share emotions more outwardly. Click here to read what this reporter has to say about crying at work. Keep in mind the same emotion that causes crying can also cause yelling. Sometimes it takes more courage to cry than to yell. If you tend to be a "yeller" watch my video on how to handle anger instead of hiding from it.

Just for fun take this Resiliency Quiz to find out how resilient you are.

If you let a crisis define you, then it will be in control of you and affect almost everything you have in your life. If you manage the crisis and don't let it define you then you will have an opportunity to grow because of it. A crisis is a terrible thing to waste.

Back to School & Your Pocket Book

I enjoyed being a guest on the Texas Credit Union League's radio show "Your Money, Your Matters" this morning. If you missed it you can listen to the broadast here:

 

Some of the things we discussed are:

• Child care and back to school expenses.
• Discussing your fear and anxiety over money in front of your kids.
• Ways to teach your children about money without projecting your anxiety onto them.
• How to teach your children to be responsible but not feel guilty over money that is spent on them.
• Ways to manage guilt because you don't have money to give your family certain perks.
• How to handle lending money to a "career borrower" when you learn he/she never intends to pay you back (a.k.a. "being duped").

Thank you Rick, Linda, Mark and Courtney for having me on the show!

Top 5 Ways Not to Be the Biggest Loser

I was excited to meet Jillian Michaels at a conference where we were both speaking recently. She is known as "TV's Toughest Trainer" on the TV show The Biggest Loser. Check out how "tough" she looks in this picture!

Even though she is tiny she packs a big punch with her enthusiasm and colorful language. She is likeable in person and very authentic. You know exactly where you stand with her and she is comfortable in her own skin. (She even wore flip flops during her keynote address!).

On her show being the "Biggest Loser" means you are in the Smart Zone. But in reality being in the Smart Zone means you are not a loser.
One of my favorite quotes by Stephen M.R. Covey is:

"We judge ourselves by our intentions

And we judge others by their behavior."

No one intends to be the biggest loser but our behavior can make us look like it.  Here are 5 Smart Moves to prevent you from being the biggest loser.

1. Be the same in public and in private. Some people are better at acting than others. It's better to be transparent than to be fake. When people can count on you being the same in private as you are in public, they'll trust you to be who you say you are. They'll also trust that what you say today will be consistent with what you will say tomorrow.
2. Don't use knowledge as a weapon. Have you ever worked with someone who set you up to look like a loser because they had information you didn't have? Setting up others to look like a loser makes you more of a loser. If you have information that will help your boss, subordinates, coworkers, or clients then share it with them. 
3. Be physically attractive. Sounds superficial, but it's true. Social psychology shows that attractive people tend to draw attention and are judged to be smarter, kinder, more honest and more approachable (a.k.a. "not a loser"). This applies to how you dress and your tone of voice. If you smile while talking, even while leaving a voicemail, people are more likely to respond to you.
4. Have the ability and be willing to use your power & knowledge to help someone else. You become less of a loser when you are able to help someone else solve his/her problems. Even better, help someone without the expectation of anything in return. 
5. Be loyal to others when they're not present. At work, your alliances may change, and someone who's your peer today could be your supervisor or manager tomorrow. People will trust you when they have confidence that you can be trusted when they're not present, and that may not happen until they experience you behind the backs of others. To keep from becoming a loser don't gossip or speak for other people. Encourage communication between two people instead of triangulating yourself into the communication of others.

Stay in the Smart Zone and you won't be a loser.